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I was born in North London to parents who believed in god and were members of the Church of England (C of E).

 

They attended church regularly… for christenings, weddings and funerals.

 

I was christened as a baby into the C of E and was occasionally sent to Sunday school where, along with visits to my school from the local vicar, I developed a sweet belief in Jesus Christ.

 

My introduction to the church - thanks a bunch, Donny Osmond!

 

My first awareness of the Mormon church came from The Osmonds; at the height of their fame in the UK their PR for the church was exceptional. I was nine years old when Donny Osmond’s handsome face was plastered over the front pages of music magazines and I was smitten with puppy love at first glance.

 

My fate was later sealed when a Mormon in my class at secondary (high) school invited me to go to church with him and his sister. I eagerly accepted. 

 

Thirty years in the church

 

For most of the following 30 years I was a true believer. Hook, line and sinker.

 

I fulfilled numerous church assignments, including a full-time mission. I taught seminary and institute and also worked in the primary, youth and women’s organisations. 

 

I married (and divorced) a returned missionary in the London Temple and did my very best to, as my now husband so accurately puts it… pray, pay and obey.

 

The internet arrived and church history as I knew it left 

 

In 2000 the internet came into our home. Pretty much my first thought was to research Mormon church history; I arrogantly considered myself to be a church history buff at the time.

 

I’d loved the year of seminary, when I was a teen, that covered the Doctrine and Covenants and Church History. I’d relished teaching the subject as an adult as both a Seminary and Institute teacher.

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I had been enthralled by the church history sites I’d visited when I was 18. I’d felt as though I was walking on hallowed ground when I explored Nauvoo, Hawn’s Mill, Adam-ondi-Ahman, Far West, Independence, Liberty and Carthage.

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Having seen these places, and studied voraciously for many years, I smugly thought I knew the history of the Mormon church.

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Seems I did not know real church history at all.

 

All I knew was the approved, sanitised and palatable history that’s shared with the members of the church to this day.

 

The actual factual church history, that I discovered online, made me instantly doubt whether anything I knew about the early leaders of the church was complete or true.

 

I read of incidents in the life of Joseph Smith that I tried hard to dismiss but I couldn’t ignore the ring of truth that rang so loudly in my mind and in my heart.

 

The church-dots soon stopped connecting.

 

My shelf broke 

 

Along with my newfound awareness that the history of the church was far from the idealised version portrayed by church leaders, I also struggled with the homophobia and racism I saw coming from the headquarters of the church.

 

Not to mention the whole Mark Hoffman affair, the forger turned murderer, which devastated my trust in the church leaders’ claims to be led by god as they were completely duped by him (Hoffman).

 

A huge dent in my belief was that senior church leaders started to come clean about the fact they didn’t actually see Jesus in person when they received a message from him. They had previously implied that they had and I, along with millions of others, believed them.

 

As I saw the house of cards tumble before my eyes, I tried incredibly hard to keep believing. It was part of who I was. I wanted the church to be the real McCoy. I was incredibly distressed to consider it might not be.

 

After much soul searching and many conversations with true believing friends I reluctantly concluded that, whether or not it was ‘true’, I wanted no part of it.

 

My departure

 

I left soon after. Initially not being 100% sure it was false but willing to take the risk that I might be condemning myself to eternal damnation.

 

For many years after leaving I felt a mix, in varying degrees of intensity, of pain, anger, confusion, overwhelm, betrayal, sadness, fear, depression, excitement, peace and hope.